Loper Life: Personal Grooming

Me at a Horse Show:

Poultice covered hands, dirt stained jeans, shavings overflowing from the bottom of my hems, boots covered in that will-not-go-away Arizona dirt & overgrown sparkly nails.

My Theme Song:

(Seriously, it magically comes on wherever I go... harharhar...)

She's a lady - woah woah woah - she's a laaaaaadyyyyy

Sing it Tommy J!

The Constant Struggle

Those girls that just seem to look perfect at all times while at shows:

"Who doesn't travel with a bikini? I have a full length gown hanging in my trailer." 

- Darcy la Pier, barrel racer, from the A&E show "Rodeo Girls"

Me:

...while literally covered in horse shit, poultice, horse goobers, shavings, miscellaneous pieces of hay & sucking back a Red Bull wondering, "is this my life?"

Overheard in the Loping Pen:

A disgruntled loper talking to another loper about her boss...

"So he didn't listen to you?"
"Of course not... what do I know? I'm just the loper."

& I was just behind them like...

Sun-Daze

Sundays.

Oh, wonderful Sundays.

Sundays are my only days off, unless we are at a show... or heading to a show... or just generally something is going on.

& truthfully, even on my "day off" Sundays I have to unblanket, turn out and feed grain/supplements..

BUT aside from that I get to lay around... I get to live in my sweatpants... and I generally just get to be one lazy slob.

What is riding a horse? What is showering? What is speaking to people? Not on Sundays my friends!

Life is good on Sundays.

Me... on day off Sundays...

& perhaps the more accurate of all...

Should I get out of bed and do something?

No, absolutely not.

"Our Horses"

As a loper you are with "your horses" day in, day out, away from home, at home, good days, bad days, all the days... and they begin to feel like your very big, sometimes obnoxious, sometimes talented family members.

You begin to feel like you are their "parent". The trainer is more of a teacher, their owners who come to ride must seem to them like their students (... or perhaps their jobs, because they know when cows are involved they're working.) Then there's the lopers, the one's that hand them off to go to "school/job", the one's that dress their boo-boos, the one's that give them baths, hand-walk them, etc. etc. etc.

For example in my string of horses many of them have a nickname that only I call them..

There is "Mr. Handsome", "Big Boy", "Bubba/Bubs", "Bug", "Rey Baby", "Moo",

90% of these nicknames have absolutely nothing to do with their real names...

and then there is my favourite, the one that I almost see as mine until their real owner comes and i'm plummeted back to reality. She is affectionally known as "The Princess" to others, but between just her and I... "My Little Hell Bitch."

& let me tell you my readers, she is just that.

& sometimes, we lopers... well we grow pretty attached, and darn does it ever hurt when a horse gets taken out of training.

A Day in the Life of a Horse Show

Generally Horse-Shows begin very quietly, even... peacefully. While Boss-Lady and our clients rest their dainty heads on their dainty pillows, I feed and medicate our horses. I saddle our Turn Back horse. I breathe in the quiet of a sunrise, and horses munching their hay while I clean stalls.

 Then, like a hurricane, they all begin to arrive at the trailer, or the tack stall, and the questions begin.

Like rapid fire, and generally directed at someone else, but about me:

"Have you packed the show bag?"

"Where is [insert anything you can think of here]??"

"How does my horse look today?"

"What kind of hay did you feed [name] today, you know [name] only gets [this kind of hay] right?"

"is [name] legs puffy today?"

"When is my class?"

"Has [name] gotten [his/her] gastro yet?"

"Is CC loping my horse for me?"

"When should CC get on my horse?"

"Will CC know how to get my horse ready?"

"Is CC saddling my horse for me?"

The list goes on...

& I'm just standing there like:

but no one seems to care, and the questions just keep coming.

But thankfully for them, generally all those questions were already thought out, planned and ready to go before they even thought them.

So basically... 

& by the end of the day, after loping more horses than my body can take, and not eating a single thing..

& then, we do it all over again!

The Most Feared Two Words: "Too Fresh"

Once upon a time I was a little canadian girl transported into the big world of the Texas cutting horse scene. We were at a show, my first show (!!), when I was handed the reins for a seasoned 7 year old show-horse, and told to get him ready. My fellow-loper assured me this horse was "super easy" to get ready. She said to me, "Trot and lope him, once he drops his head he's about ready, take him to the middle and if he pee's that's his cue, he's ready to cut." 

So here I was, loping around, and this horse goes pee... not once, not twice, but three times. Shit, I thought, maybe I over-loped him? But, he didn't really feel "ready". I was having a mental back-and-forth about the whole thing when all of a sudden over the loud-speaker I heard "-horse- please get ready"... well then...

So, off I get, and hand the reins over to the Texan Trainer. He gets on, does some dry work and all of a sudden takes off loping around the arena.

My friends, that is never a good sign.

Me:

The Texan Trainer walked into that pen, and that "seasoned show horse" that's "so easy to get ready", well he sort of turned into a very seasoned...

... dragon...

a dragon who wanted to eat some cows alive

That horse zinged and zanged from wall to wall, and at one point, I swear to you almost sent himself and the Texan Trainer right into a wall. My co-worker who had given me such helpful advice, turned and stared at me with an open mouth. Yep, I was screwed.

The buzzer finally went and the Texan Trainer walked out of the pen, jumped off and shoved me the reins. He stared me down and said very tersely "Way. Too. Fresh" and then huffed off.

I stared that "seasoned show" horse down, and I swear to you he looked smug.

Seasoned Show Horse:

"Got ya, you little inexperienced loper bitch"

The #1 Loper Issue...

Ya'll know what i'm talking about...

The Dreaded Affliction known as "Loper Bum"

and who has it?

Guilty as charged. no shame on this blog my friends, whose got time for that?

I took a couple months off for the holidays and when I came down to Arizona, I had gotten weak. After one day of some serious loping for a show, and a terrible choice in underwear, I had the worst case of jello thighs and an even worse case of 'ol loper bum.

It was not pretty.

Loper Bum is one of those things that us female riders all joke about, but it's kind of one of those "behind closed doors/for female conversations only" jokes, no? Well... one of our clients left me a birthday present... on our desk in the middle of our shared barn at our very busy, multi-trainer facility... with a note specifying that it was for me.

What was the gift?

This product, which is apparently really good, but also very loudly packaged.

So now everyone at our very busy, multi-trainer facility knows that I have a very bad case of "Loper Bum".

I'll just be here.